I'm going to jail i love you
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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