i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
