She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
wow bdsm is so cute
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
