i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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