now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
