Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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