my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
