I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
