Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
