I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
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