Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
