I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
