i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
