My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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