So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
