this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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