Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
