i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
