I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
