don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
