hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
