College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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