What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
