I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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