my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
