I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
