hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
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its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
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Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink