Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
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you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
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Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.