I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!