I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
