I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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