Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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