I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
