Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
