make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize