I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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