He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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