Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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