wrigley field is MILF paradise
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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