wrigley field is MILF paradise
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
