why didn't you poke me back
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
