she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Also, beer. Big fan.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
