you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
