Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
