There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
