I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
