I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
