We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
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We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
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I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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