Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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