If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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