Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
