i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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