so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
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