She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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