Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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